Staying Connected Not Canceled
As a Marriage and Family Therapist, I sit with couples day by day and hold space for both parties. The couple learns quickly that there is no "good guy" or "bad guy". They do not have to worry about me taking sides or one looking "bad". Holding space means I allow room in the session for their experience. I create time for them to express their emotions and needs, sometimes sheltering them from their partner who wants to butt in with an explanation or defense. I help the couple hold space for each other by modeling it in session and then guiding them as they attempt.
Over the years, I have honed this valuable skill of holding space for both parties. I do this for individuals who come to see me as well. Sometimes they share how a family member has affected them or has made it difficult to establish a true and lasting connection. As I work with this individual, part of me wonders about the other person's experience of the situation. I ask myself,
"What experience have they had that is getting in the way of effectively conveying their needs to my client?"
"How did the two of them get to this point?
"I wonder what their interpretation of this situation is?"
"What do they need for healing in this situation?"
Know your scope of practice
No experience or situation involving others is solely one-sided. Sometimes in the therapy room, that is all a therapist gets - just the client's perspective. And many times, the client is in therapy because they are distressed and cannot see around the whole situation clearly. In my professional opinion, this is an example of how distress can cloud a person's ability to connect to the person with whom they are having conflict. This is a major reason therapists may benefit from holding off on advising a client to go "no contact" with a friend or family member. There are two people (maybe more) involved in the conflict, but only one is sitting in front of you, so you do not have the whole picture.
Furthermore, therapists are not advice dispensers. Try to catch yourself if you find yourself doling out advice instead of helping your client ponder, reflect, reframe, realign, and repair. If you are trying to help a client sort through their experience while gently challenging them to look outside themselves, try Socratic questioning. This open-ended method of questioning helps the client explore their assumptions and beliefs, which can lead to clarity in their situation.
Another question to consider is: if your client wants a session with the other party, are you trained to hold that type of session? This may be a good place to offer a referral to a trained therapist who does couples or family work, stating, "This is outside my scope of practice, but I can help you find a qualified therapist." You do yourself a favor by being honest about what your scope of practice is, and you do your client a service by helping them find appropriate care. By offering a referral, this communicates that you are a responsible and ethical therapist who will still help them individually and even offer to consult with the new therapist doing the couples or family work.
Value of Conflict
I share with my couples that the "golden spot" in relationships is when they can engage in conflict and still feel safe and free to be themselves, knowing their partner will hold them. When I say "hold them", I mean their trust stays intact because they have learned not to belittle each other, not to use their words or vulnerabilities against each other, they don't cuss each other out, they have "non-negotiables" in place to protect the relationship. Instead, they quietly and patiently listen to each other; they set down their compulsion to defend themselves, justify their actions, or offer information; they ask,
"What would you like from me right now?"
"Would you like me to offer advice?"
"Do you need me to just sit quietly with you?"
"Do you want to brainstorm and problem solve?"
"Would you like a hug?"
This type of holding takes intention. This takes focused effort. This requires emotional awareness and self-regulation. Therapists serve their clients by helping them establish personal awareness, stability, structure, and safety while engaging in conflict. If I am being honest, I believe people in general would benefit from knowing they can engage in conflict because they can operate from a place of self-awareness and self-care instead of viewing anyone who disagrees with them as a threat. When we start perceiving others as a threat, then our central nervous system gets involved, and now we're fighting for our lives. That's no way to live!
I talk more about this on my FamLead YouTube Channel short, "Emotional Regulation in Conflict," and video, "Turn Your Hearts: Thriving In Conflict".
Abusive Situations
There will always be situations we as therapists need to be looking out for regarding abuse. But let me pose this question: "How do you define abuse?" Is the answer "When a person is intentionally trying to hurt another i.e., physical harm, misuse of power, manipulation, intimidation, terrorize, blame, scapegoat, neglect, etc?" "Can abuse happen unintentionally?"
We have a clear responsibility to report when a client wants to harm themselves or others, and abuse of a minor or elderly person. If what a client is struggling with does not fit under these parameters, perhaps helping them establish self-awareness, stability, emotional structure, and personal boundaries so that they can effectively and safely engage with loved ones will help them grow and become a stronger, more self-assured version of themselves.
Personal boundaries can help a person remain in a relationship that is difficult without losing themselves, if they so choose. An example of this may be an adult son who feels he is always scapegoated by his parents. He would like his parents to see him for who he is, not what he has done or what the parents think he will do. This means getting to know him. There needs to be structure around how this type of conversation can occur so that the son feels it is safe to be himself with his parents. There is responsibility and accountability on both parties to make this happen. The son's part is to open up so that his parents can see him. The parents' part is to manage their expectations and their emotional reaction so that their behavior demonstrates that the son is accepted. If one of the parties is emotionally or mentally compromised to the point of blaming, yelling, stonewalling, etc, then the scaffolding for that interaction crumbles and trust is damaged.
A safe amount of emotional or physical distance may be needed while the parties are working to repair. Working to repair is key. If no one is working, the relationship disintegrates.
Repair
What does repair look like? There are three components that I use with my couples. These are essential for reestablishing trust now and long-term.
- Acknowledge the action or behavior: "I see that I tend to blame you too quickly."
- Be aware of how the action or behavior affected the other person. Validate. "When I am quick to blame, this makes you feel small or unimportant. Did I get that right?"
- Create a plan to prevent the action/behavior in the future. "I will try to catch myself jumping to blame and will check my assumptions first, then clarify with you."
Each one of these components serves a purpose toward building trust. Acknowledging the behavior shows humility in that you are willing to consider your actions. Showing awareness of how your actions impacted another is validating to that person. Creating a plan of action is the crux of stability. It is the point on which trust hangs. "Will you protect me?" Is answered in the plan to prevent future hurtful behavior.
These are entangled and complex dynamics. This is why a licensed and trained therapist is necessary to help guide couples and families through these situations.
For more information, to book an appointment, or to book me to speak to your organization, email me at jere@intentionallifetherapy.com
