Asking just might save their life.
Shayne and I were invited to speak to parents a few weeks ago about helping their teens cope with hearing of friends or loved ones ending their lives by suicide. We also shared how to recognize signs of depression and anxiety that can lead to suicidal ideation. And just create a genuine sense of understanding, we shared a little about the struggles we experienced after the suicide of my precious father. The presentation yielded several good questions from the parents, and I will share them here.
As parents asked us questions, we saw the fear and concern in their faces. They were seeking answers to concerns that some had been thinking of for quite a while, and some were seeking answers to concerns that were being realized in real time as we spoke. All were appropriate. All were sacred.
Will talking about suicide open the door for my child to think it is okay?
Talking about suicide with a trusted and safe adult, whether it be general curiosity, something they've been considering, or they experienced someone else seeking it as a way out, will not increase their likelihood of completing suicide themselves. Although talking about your teen's feelings of not wanting to live is tough, it is necessary. Often, they will not bring it up to you, so you will need to approach the subject with gentle direction, patience, and an increase in understanding.
Talking gives a voice to what is going on inside, and when that burden is shared with a trusted other, sometimes they are able to see more clearly and are more willing to create a safety plan.
Keep communication open. Invite your teen to come to you with any questions they may have. Make it safe for them to come to you. That means watching your facial expressions, tempering your voice, and being intentional with your words. It is okay if you are not comfortable in this area. Educate yourself, practice talking with someone else, and do whatever is needed to show up for your teen when they need you.
What if my child uses this as retaliation against me when they are mad?
As parents, it is important to take each instance of mentioning suicide seriously, even if you feel the mention of suicide is being used to manipulate you. Emotional regulation is key here. It may be tempting to scold or ignore, especially when your defense mechanism is triggered. However, remain calm, see through the words and the way it is being said. Let your teen know you take talk of suicide seriously and that every time it is brought up, you will make time immediately to sit down with them and talk it through.
This will do a few things.
First, you will send the message that talk of suicide is serious and not to be used flippantly.
Second, as you patiently listen and ask questions to better understand, you are building trust in the relationship.
Thirdly, you will learn how to emotionally regulate yourself during your teen's mighty storms. You may receive feedback that feels harsh or uncomfortable; remain steady. Do not get swept off to sea with their crushing waves of motion. Secure yourself first, then secure your child.
Fact or Myth: Young people thinking about suicide are always angry when someone intervenes, and they will resent that person afterwards.
Myth:
Teens need to know they are trusted, and they return that trust. When you open the conversation in a gentle, non-judgmental, and caring manner, your teen will notice you are trying to connect to them. Research has shown that although a teen may initially be hesitant or resistant to sharing, there is a sense of relief and gratitude for being shown genuine care. In many instances, helping someone share their emotional burden gives them a sense of hope and the strength to work through their despair. https://suicideprevention.nv.gov/Youth/Myths
How do I show empathy?
We had several parents come up to us after our presentation and express that they did not know how to show empathy to their teen. They shared personal stories of not having it given growing up, not feeling comfortable in that space, and needing help.
Here are a few guidelines for showing empathy.
First thing to remember about empathy is that this is a skill that can be grown. Your capacity to grow empathy can increase! Please do not despair if you feel inadequate or inept. Like muscles in our bodies, they have to be tested, broken down, and rebuilt for strength. Additionally, muscles require larger amounts of protein if they are to grow.
Fuel for Empathy
Consider your empathy muscles and what you can feed them as they are tested, broken down, and rebuilt. Think of emotional self-care as the food for developing empathy. Being self-aware and experienced in taking care of your own needs will feed your ability to connect and care for others.
Being tested
Developing empathy is a growth process. You will be tested to hold your tongue when tempted to engage in an argument, or when you strongly disagree with what your teen is sharing. Take a deep breath. Take two. Then remind yourself that you are creating a safe environment for your child, and that is your only life-saving job at the moment.
This is their experience, and you are giving them time to share. Allow them to be angry, not disrespectful, but angry. Allow them to be sad, really sad. Listen. Listen for what is not being said. Get comfortable with sitting in silence and just being with them. Sometimes feelings and states of being are communicated in the moments of just sitting beside each other while coloring or drawing, or doing nothing. Your need to "fix" will be tested. Feelings of not wanting to live are not easily fixed and must be given time, patience, understanding, and increased care - not hovering, but care.
Broken Down
Allow yourself to be vulnerable with your teen. It is okay to say that you are scared. Hug them, reassure them that they are not scary, but the situation is. Let them know you may cry, but you can handle whatever they need to unload. Teach them the benefits of crying; it's actually helpful to the body. Emotional tears flush out stress hormones, and then the body releases endorphins after a good cry, so let the tears flow! (https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/319631#benefits-of-crying)
Help them label what they are feeling as they share their experience, and just hold space for them. Be broken-hearted together but still be the strength, meaning you still set needed boundaries for safety, you set expectations, and you enforce them.
Rebuild
Like it or not, you may mess up. You might accidentally shut your child down with a dismissive statement or start problem-solving for them. Resist the urge at all costs to rush in and "save" them, but if you mess up...when you mess up, rebuild. Let them know you recognize how you messed up (dismissive statement, raised your voice, became critical or judgmental, made their pain about you, I could go on). Acknowledge your error and that you are trying to be present while managing your emotional reactions. Ask them if they would mind trying again, and this time show them you are trustworthy. Teens are enigmas sometimes. They want to trust you. They will give you the benefit of the doubt if they feel you are sincerely trying. And then sometimes, they just need to be left alone, and that can feel scary to a parent who is on survival alert. This is where the boundaries for safety come in.
Helping your child through feelings of not wanting to live and suicidal ideation is a sacred space. It is not one in which parents ever want to find themselves. It will require strength you may not realize you have. You can grow your capacity with intentional practice. Showing empathy is not just for crises. Begin by being present and monitoring your reaction to your teen today. Practice listening to understand them today. Manage your personal emotional needs now.
You are not alone in this. Here are a few resources to educate yourself so that when and if the topic comes up, you will have something to anchor to.
With deepest respect,
Jere'
988 Suicide Crisis Line
www.Healthy Children.org - Suicide Prevention 12 Things Parents Can Do
https://afsp.org/teens-and-suicide-what-parents-should-know/
