Building and Maintaining a Healthy Marriage: A Guide for Busy Professionals

Symptoms of Anxiety

Asking just might save their life.

Release yourself from unresolved hurt.

Sorting through feelings and psychosomatic experiences after being without water and electricity in the Texas ice storm.

Have you ever come home from a long, tiring, frustrating day at work to find dirty dishes and messy counters all over the kitchen? Maybe stinky trash too? What's the first thing that comes to mind? WHY??? "Why am I the only one who sees the need to clean this mess up?" "Why am I the only one who EVER does dishes around here?" " No one ever just does the dishes on their own!" Do these questions and statements sound familiar? Rest at ease. These questions and statements are key to you gaining insight as to how you are really feeling. When we use words like ever, never, always, only, no one, forever, these are indicators that we are overwhelmed. You can do something about that! Let's play this scenario out a little further... Say you get home and witness this scene, but don't say anything. You hold in the layers of frustration and fatigue so when you come in contact with other family members you are frosty (silent treatment), salty (sarcastic or passively aggressive) or snappy (yells, cutting remarks). You know what I mean; "Honey how was your day?" you: "Fine."- and you go to your room and shut the door - stonewall; "It would be nice if you guys got up from the couch for once and actually cleaned." - salty; "Hey! Get your lazy butts up and get in here. I'm not cleaning all your mess up again. What's wrong with you?" - snappy. In return, your family members avoid you, defend themselves to you or fight back. Are any of these communication styles bringing peace into your life? Are you feeling the love from your family? Peace Thieves Nothing has more worth than your peace. Peace is a gift from our Savior. Guard it well. John 14:27 "Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid." There are people, institutions, society and personal habits that will try to tempt you to give your peace to them. Don't fall for it. Don't do it. Social media is ripe with peace thieves from the polarizing PC and political crap, to arguments within the comment section of a post on a friend's wall - leave it alone! Friends who are full of one sided drama and are incapable of compassion towards your needs - peace thief. Bosses who demand and demand with no concern for your personal time, health, nor family - peace thief. Living under a pile of debt because you cannot get yourself to make a budget - peace thief! See those things for what they really are - peace thieves. Seek for uplifting, relaxing, encouraging information and actions to soothe your already over stimulated mind. Guard what you allow to enter your body. I have never watched any of the classic horror movies. I know I have a tendency to absorb feelings and emotions and even though it's make believe, that stuff seeps into my subconscious and messes with me. I do not put into my mind. Period. I guard what I know I need. Your inner peace evolves from having boundaries around key elements of your life such as social relationships, finances, health, spirituality, family life and career. When any one of these areas gets out of wack, your peace is in jeopardy. Like a car with four tires, if one of the tires is deflated, even though the other three are fully functioning, the car isn't going anywhere efficiently nor safely. No one can guard the gate to your peace like you can...or can you? Do you need help setting boundaries? Do you find yourself taking on more and more, then feeling utterly exhausted and frazzled? Do you have a hard time saying no to people? Do you feel like a door mat sometimes? Do you have a tendency to hold onto grudges? Do you have a hard time with forgiveness? Are you easily offended? What happens after years and years of these patterns? What toll do they take from your years on this earth? Your happiness? Snapping Turtle At some point, something is going to give. When feelings of not being enough, or low self worth persist, those feelings bleed into every other area of life and causes all the key elements to get out of wack. Going back to the scenario of stonewalling, being salty or snappy, these reactions aren't you, they are indicators of what is going on behind the scenes in your emotional world. These actions are cries for help, but who wants to cozy up next to the snapping turtle? First of all it's okay. You have permission to be frustrated, frazzled, disappointed, sad, whatever you need to feel. Allow yourself to feel it. Ask yourself, "Would I have been so snappy if: I were getting more sleep?; If I could get home from work at an acceptable time because I want to be with my family?; If I didn't have 5 projects I committed to and don't know why?; If I could talk to my partner and they really listened without trying to fix me?". I could go on and on and I'm sure you probably came up with a few of your own. That's good! Allow yourself to brainstorm what is out of wack in the five key elements and then you can ways to heal the holes in those areas. Healing the Holes By small and simple means you can repair hurts, mistakes, failures and whatever else you need. Repairing the out of wack areas could look like meal planning so that you're not spending $60 per week on lunch and instead can pay down a credit card that is stressing you. It could look like finding gratitude for the small things even though you feel life has slighted you. It could look like getting that health check up you've been putting off for three years because you're are afraid of what the doctor will tell you. It could look like setting your alarm clock for 6:30am and getting up at 6:30am instead of setting your alarm for 5:45am and hitting snooze until 7:00am then rushing to get to work, still feeling tired. It could look like sitting your family down and explaining you need their help with the dishes and HOW their help affects you. Leave out the guilt or negative comments, simply uplift and encourage. I imagine your family loves you and wants to know how to help, but they also want to feel what they do matters and is appreciated. Setting boundaries is a bigger issue which involves long held beliefs about yourself. This may take some time processing with a therapist, journaling, pondering or speaking with another trusted person in your life. Boundaries are good. They are necessary for safety. You can do it, I have faith in you. Have faith in yourself. You wouldn't just start driving, willy nilly, on any side of the road to get to where you need to go. You follow the boundaries of the lanes. They keep you from crashing into oncoming traffic. They keep you safe. Such is setting personal and professional boundaries. Boundaries help you from feeling overwhelmed. Boundaries help you make decisions from a clear, confident mind. Boundaries help you have order in your life. Be the gatekeeper of your peace. No one can repay the price of your peace. Foster your peace, nurture your peace, protect your peace, and you will have peace.

Sometimes the road looks long, difficult or impossible. I am sure you've heard "it's not the destination, it's the journey" but how do we feel good when we're not where we want to be? One word...Progress. It is all about moving forward, towards our goals, towards our dreams and towards a better self. The truth is that you'll never really arrive. No matter what you've achieved and who you've become, you can do and become more. This can be disheartening or it can be exciting, depending on your perspective. Remember, we don't know how long we have on this earth. We don't know what tomorrow will bring. We don't know the struggles or blessings coming our way. However, I am certain that when I am taking action towards my passions, goals and sincere desires I feel alive and hopeful. I also know that my clients say the same thing. We don't need to arrive, we just need a vision of what our life can look like and then start taking massive action towards making it happen. Then, as the obstacles come, stay steadfast, measure results, make adjustments and keep taking massive action. This is the best way to grow, inspire those around you and discover just how strong, smart and courageous you can be. I know you can do it. I believe in the power of people. I believe in their strength. I believe in their will. I believe in their courage. I believe in me and I believe in you. Unfortunately, how much I believe in you matters little. I might encourage and inspire, but you need to believe in you. You need to know that you can do hard things. You can dream big, make a plan and take massive action. You can handle the obstacles, the nay sayers and the doubts. Take a step today. Move forward. Don't wait. You will never regret an effort that didn't quite work, but you will regret not trying. Want to lose weight? Start a business? Change careers? Go to school? Start a non-profit? Feed the world? Inspire your family? You can. In fact, if you have a desire there is a reason. Who you become and how you serve the world, may be just what someone else needs. You might be the answer to someone's prayer. So take that first step. Actually, get a running start and move with purpose. If it doesn't work, change what you're doing, but don't stop. You're worth it and the people you care about are worth it. Inspire your spouse, family, kids and friends, by becoming more. It's not too late. Just make progress and you'll realize that your dream is still possible. You are possible. If you feel stuck, and not sure why, come see one of our therapists or get a coach or mentor. A therapist, coach or mentor can help you figure out and destroy the limiting belief that is slowing you down or keeps you from making progress. Then, watch out world, because here comes progress.

If left unchecked, habits can run our lives in directions we did not intend to go. Self talk, comparison and auto pilot living are three of the harmful habits that can be corrected to live a life of intention, peace and integrity.

Choosing a therapist can be a bit of a challenge. You want someone who pushes you, but is not a jerk. You want someone who shows compassion, but doesn't allow you to settle. You want someone who understands, but isn't just a "yes" man or woman. You want someone who gets you to open up, inspires you to move forward and helps you find more peace. At least, those are the things I appreciate in a therapist. Truth is, I don't know what you need or want in a therapist. For this reason, I constantly ask my clients about our sessions and if they feel they are making progress on their stated goals for therapy. Some therapists may not ask, because they are worried about your answer. I really want to know. I think it's important that I don't assume to know my clients. I don't know what's best for you. I don't know what's going on in your head, unless you tell me. Even if we have had similar experiences or backgrounds, I don't know what it's like to be you. But...I am willing to listen and have you teach me and as I learn what it's like to be you, maybe I can share some insights, new ways to conceptualize events/ideas, or new ways to approach challenges. It is my deep desire to find a way to be helpful. It is my deep desire to grow from our sessions and inspire you to grow too. After all, life is really about growing and giving. I enjoy therapy for the opportunity it provides to for growth and giving. It is less of a job and more my life mission to have a positive impact while I continue to learn and become a better man, husband, father, brother, child and friend. I am honored when a family, couple or individual decides I'm the "right" therapist for them. However, when I'm not the best fit. I am not offended. How could I be the "right" therapist for everyone? My suggestion, have open conversations with your therapist. Is this working? If not, how can we make it work? And, sometimes it just time to move on and find a better fit. If your therapist has a problem with that it's just another indication that they are not the therapist for you.